The long awaited arrival...

It's a boy!

As the trite sayings often describe the arrival of a new baby, this is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.  But, it is also one of the most trying and difficult things.  And I send rockets into space.  And keep them safe.  All from Earth.  An entire 256 vertical miles and thick atmosphere away.  Yet, this is the biggest challenge I have had, testing my resolve and perseverance.  My will to succeed.

To be honest, all of the things that I think others find tough have not been that bad.  Lack of sleep.  Fussiness.  Living in a cycle that repeats every two hours.  Yes, at 2 in the morning and on no sleep, sometimes those things have gotten to me.  Admittedly.

However, what's been my true test is breastfeeding.  I assumed that nursing would be a natural instinct for both mom and baby.  That there was no learned technique.  Pain didn't even cross my measly mind. Being horribly unprepared for it made it worse.  Unlike childbirth, which I was quite mentally prepared for.  That was easy. Yes, I just said that.  Easy.  There was a defined end. I knew the baby had to come out of me, one way or the other.  But the nursing pain-that had seemingly no end.   Until recently.

We've reached out for help and received some great tips for successful breastfeeding.  My sister, D, was my inspiration, having nursed both of her kids for an entire year.  And now she's my rock. Constantly replying to my million texts.  Listening to my boundless complaints.  While I am not there yet, I can now see light.  We've made leaps and bounds of progress, and with breastfeeding as one of the parenting decisions I refuse to compromise, I'm thankful for the many people who have helped along the way.  With personal stories of struggles.  And the many meals I didn't have to cook myself (thanks P and my mother-in-law).  Not to mention the natural parenting skills no one knew Srin had!  Soothing. Loving. And always willing to help.

Shyam turns one month old tomorrow, and I love him.  I love watching him feed.  I love when he gives me the stink eye that tells me I waited too long to feed him.  It shows personality. I love that he's more active, observing the world around him.  Firing those many synapses. Committing the world around him to memory.  I love seeing him progress from the fetal position to stretched out.  I love his pout.  And I love that he is consolable. Rarely have we witnessed a cry that couldn't be soothed.  And I still have trouble believing I put him in this world.  Me.  He came from me.  That is a concept I wonder if I will ever truly comprehend.

 Our first family picture!

Fatherhood suits him well!

Let it snow!

I've never been a cold kind of person.  In fact, suffice it to say I turn into a whiny baby when the temperature dips below 70.  But, this year, I am so excited.  Winter means I am mere moments away from the best thing that has ever happened to me.  And to think, this year started out with me planning to be an astronaut.  Sometimes I wonder how life's undulating road decides where to turn and when to remain straight.  However life goes, I am so thankful that mine has led me on the path of motherhood.

And on a path to a new camera and a husband willing to try his hand at it because I refuse to pay $200+ for maternity shots.  Not including the digital images, no less!

A new toy...

I got a new camera this week! And I couldn't be more excited.  These days, it's the first thing I have really thought of that isn't baby-related. All thanks to a great husband and a fabulous birthday this year.  It's the Nikon D3200, a decision we only made after consulting our favorite camera guru Catherine.

It is absolutely ludicrous to my shrinking brain that I am already 36 weeks along.  Baby is thus far healthy and growing right on target.  In true M-stream-of-conciousness, I recall saying many times in the doctor's office, "Gosh.  I have never been so happy to hear my baby is average."  Average is good.  Average is the majority of babies.  And the majority are healthy and happy.

Light...Tunnel...Action!

Well, I am 30 weeks pregnant now!  I'm not sure why, but the number 30 must hold some subconscious meaning for me.  I always said that when my baby brother turned 30, then I would feel like we were all adults.  All old, really.  When I turned 30, it wasn't a big deal, but I definitely felt something that made me even write a post about it.  And now, I have been waiting for this day when I could say I was 30 weeks pregnant.  It feels more real.  The baby moves so much, and I am getting used to feeling it whenever I want.  That moment of comfort, knowing he or she is safe and warm and content.  It is so much better than the early weeks when anxiety, doubt, and fear dominate the pregnancy.  Now I battle the desire for the baby to stay inside me as long as needed but to come out so I can finally meet him or her!  It's okay-we struck a deal.  The baby is not allowed out for another 6.5 weeks when he or she is full term!  I felt a kick and took that as a handshake.

Srin took a few quick iSnaps of my 30 week belly among the leaves and trees.  The red.  Orange. And yellow. It feels like Fall here in the nation's capital.  It's crisp and clear, with sunny skies but chilly temperatures.  Pumpkins line the neighborhood with the occasional scarecrow, spider web, and ghost in the tree.  Friends' are posting pictures of their kids in costumes, and the eerie excitement of Halloween is most definitely in the air.  

I feel mostly ready for this baby to greet the world.  With our baby shower last weekend, everything I absolutely need is in order with only a few to-do items left.  I guess they call this nesting.  Whatever it is, I like it.  It's so cute to see the itty bitty newborn diapers.  And tiny socks.  Don't get me started on the cloth diapers.  I just got my first batch yesterday from Nicki's Diapers and Cottonbabies.  I'll be trying out Nicki's one size pockets and BumGenius's Freetime all in ones first.  It's funny how overwhelmed I was even thinking of cloth diapering and now look at me.  Talkin' all pockets and such.  That's growth I tell you.

The baby shower was a blast with my family making the hike over East to celebrate the impending arrival of Baby Nagaraja.  Friends and family.  Everyone knows that's all I really need in life.

Halftime!

Well, it's difficult to imagine for me. More than halfway through nourishing this little sweet pea inside me.  He/She is already so very cute, according to a very biased opinion of ultrasound pictures. We are starting week 23 which means I am in the end of my second trimester. Already!  It's flying by me, and I have taken it quite slowly. Cherishing every nudge. Little punch. Hiccups. And fluttery movements. Yes, they finally felt a bit like that flutteriness so many other moms describe. I laid in bed yesterday before work for an extra ten minutes just to spend time with him/her. The baby was so active (help! morning baby?!?!?), and those ten minutes were completely worth being late to work.

I can't wait to meet this baby. Sleepless nights and tough mornings welcome. I know that sounds crazy, and all of you parents have that slight knowing smile as you read this.  But, for me, I have waited for more than a decade to have a family. Quite a surprise given that at 16, I had mapped out my life.  Married at 22 after college. First kid at 24, next at 26, then at 28, and done by 30. 4 kids. 2 boys and 2 girls. Order irrelevant.

I'm 33 now. You can do the math. Sometimes life takes over and plans are a-washed. And thank goodness too. Those years of my life were incredible. Ones I would not have likely been able to do in the way I did if a family was part of my life. And now I get the best of both worlds. I am simply overjoyed at this experience.

I must be that pregnant woman other pregnant women hate. No morning sickness. Little aches and pains. Trouble gaining weight (baby is right on target though!). Still exercising. Hardly any mood swings. And absolutely in love with being pregnant. It's been one of the most incredible journeys. One I imagined time and again for years, patiently waiting for the moment to surprise me. Okay. Not patiently. Per se.

And to top off the experience, Srin's been great. Somehow he's balanced being protective with dealing with my adamant need for independence. And I love when I wake up to a crazy Indian boy nuzzling my belly. He loves this baby so much, and he is exhibiting the perfect balance of involved dad and letting me handle the small things (like diaper choices).

Sometimes I wonder what I did right in life to deserve this happiness. For now, I'm basking in the bubble in which I live these days. A serene bubble. Comforted by low stress. And a content home.

Photo credit:  JC Penney

Muscle Twitches...

I felt them!  I finally felt the tiny little bursts of energy.  Collisions with my uterus wall.  Those things other moms describe as flutters or hiccups.  Or popcorn popping.  I describe them like muscle twitches. You know, when your eye starts pulsing and you are fairly certain everyone can see it dancing madly on your face.  Just like that.  But more random. Less consistent.  And way more exciting!

WAH-POW!

Just felt my little one again.  I'm 19 weeks and 5 days, and I promised myself I would track the big moments.  And this feels gargantuan.

I just hope it isn't gas or something embarrassing.

Moments...

I've always wished for this time in my life.  Prayed even.  Pondered, wondered, and often gotten so lost in my imagination that the line between it and reality was criss-crossed.  Dotted.  Maybe even peeling away.  And, finally, without struggle and with good fortune, I am carrying my first child.

YAY!

I cannot believe how time has passed by me.  We found out on Mother's Day, unplanned and as a result of my adamant desire to answer the burning question I had formulated in my head: Am I pregnant?  It was something I least expected, seeing as how I was in training for a marathon.  I had noticed changes, which I had attributed to being way out of shape.  Like a racing heart of 90 bpm, a far cry from my normal 45-50 bpm.  It was a question I only let myself ask after days of wondering if I was facing my first health issue.  You know, going to the bathroom more often and falling asleep at 7PM. These are abnormal for an energetic girl like me with the uncanny ability to make it across Texas without a restroom break.  But, alas, the day I dreamed about was the best surprise I have ever received. Eighteen weeks into the undulating experience, I don't know if I would have wanted the moment to present itself any other way.

I put aside all scenarios I had conjured earlier of surprising Srin with the potential news and demanded a trip to Target after his parents left. I think his immediate reaction was "Do you really think you could be pregnant?"  And after we found out, "You said this would take 6 months or a year even." And I swear it was followed by "drama queen", which I wouldn't even deny in that moment.  But in reality, he followed it up with a big ol' kiss and a huge smile.

That's the advantage of waiting until you're in your thirties to have a family.  There's hardly any trepidation, save for the lack of sleep everyone complains about.  And there's a palpable excitement.  A time in our lives we are very much ready for.  Maybe not on paper.  But most definitely ready for.